Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
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Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*