If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
getting corrected
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.