She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
The 6 types of sex
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe