COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
You Might Also Like
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
What
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*