“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
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For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
me and who
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.