BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
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HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*limbos away from your hug*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.