My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
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It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
very niche meme I made
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Smallpox sounds so adorable