[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES