8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
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Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.