I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
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[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I was just discussing this with my cat
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day