Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
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2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me: it鈥檚 just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that鈥檚 a ladle
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we鈥檒l be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You鈥檙e Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn鈥檛 sell records I suppose.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
The happy life.. 馃槉
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
going to therapy when I鈥檓 having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
new year update: losing everything but weight
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet