Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
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My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich