Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
You Might Also Like
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
no cat here
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know