I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
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You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.