You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
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I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁