Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
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all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today