Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
You Might Also Like
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking