astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
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Webb. James Webb.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.