I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
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*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?