Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
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The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Well, this explains it:
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”