When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
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Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake