She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
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“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
bought wrong eggs
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
bro what is going on at twitter
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse