*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.