This makes total sense…
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I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.