You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
#Caturday
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Wake me when AI does housework
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.