Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
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I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.