Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
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Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
hmm conte-me mais
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.