I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
NASA has no chill
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….