Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?