If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard