“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
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Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Well, that didn’t work.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.