I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
and this one
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Jesus Christ lmao
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR