My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
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a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I never needed anything more in my life