Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power