[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea