Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
crazy
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun