“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Breakfast for Stoners:
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet