*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
just make the entire table out of coaster
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one