Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
You Might Also Like
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I cannot call her anything else now
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
quarantine day 3
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.