Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
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FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.