Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
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The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I identify as an antique shop.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*looks at you in batman voice*
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.