12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
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Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Wednesday
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.