My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
You Might Also Like
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go