Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
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My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.