[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
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If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat