Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
You Might Also Like
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby