So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
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So many village idiots. So few dragons.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.