5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball