They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
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Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”