credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
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ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed